Mindset Episode 026 | Not wanting your dog to suffer because of your choices

It's not my dog's fault I'm sick...
It's not my dog's fault work's busy...

So, that means I have to put them first.
Not make them suffer for my choices.

What's suffering though?
Are they suffering?
Are you?
When do you get to put yourself first?

That's what this episode is about.
I give you some pointers as to how you can question your brain as well as some practical tips.

Episode Website: https://kajsavanoverbeek.com/mindset-episode-026-not-wanting-your-dog-to-suffer-because-of-your-choices/

If you're wondering how to feel less stressed about your career, your dog, your family or all of the above, there are things you can do!

There is still time to join First Things First small group coaching on the (myth of) work-life-dog-balance. We start April 15th 2025. Find out more here:

https://kajsavanoverbeek.com/worklifebalancegroupcoaching/

Transcript

00;00;09;13 - 00;00;38;16
Kajsa van Overbeek
Welcome to the Mindset Podcast for guardians of Dogs who are just a little rough around the edges. I'm your host, Kaiser fan out for make. A life coach dedicated to making a life with your challenging dog feel less challenging, both by sharing stories of other people's similar experiences, and by showing you how you can harness the power of your brain to make it work for you instead of against you.

00;00;38;18 - 00;01;12;05
Kajsa van Overbeek
This episode is actually inspired by the previous episode, The Interview episode with Barbara van Rijn, and which was in Dutch and so many things were said that I figured I would touch upon at least one subject or one topic that we talked about in this past episode in English as well, because I think it is so important and is probably something that a lot of you recognize what this is about is, you know, putting your dog first and wanting to put your dog first.

00;01;12;05 - 00;01;36;14
Kajsa van Overbeek
So what we talked about was how if we're very empathic, all we want is the best for our dog, right? You all have probably said or uttered something along the lines of how I give my right arm for my dog, or I just give up A, B, C, or D before I would give up on my dog or something of the sort.

00;01;36;14 - 00;02;05;07
Kajsa van Overbeek
It's about putting your dog first. It'll be, you know, when you're sick and you're wanting to walk your dog, telling yourself, my dog didn't ask for me being sick and my dog didn't choose this. So, you know, it's my problem to solve, or my dog didn't choose my job or didn't choose for me to be really busy with this project that I'm handling at work right now.

00;02;05;09 - 00;02;36;26
Kajsa van Overbeek
It's not their problem. It's my problem. So they shouldn't suffer as a result of this. I think that's mainly to sort of the underlying thinking is my dog shouldn't suffer as a result of my choices. And so once we know that that kind of thinking is behind it, we can start dissecting it. So firstly, if we say my dog shouldn't suffer as a result of my choices, let's just take a look at suffering per se.

00;02;36;28 - 00;02;59;23
Kajsa van Overbeek
Are they suffering? What does that even mean for them to suffer? Or is this something that you're just simply making up in your mind? Do they suffer if you don't take them out for a walk in the evening because you're not feeling well? Or do they suffer if you skip training with them because you're too busy at work?

00;02;59;23 - 00;03;29;00
Kajsa van Overbeek
Or do they suffer? If you ask someone to just come in and let them into your house, let your dog into the garden and then bring them back in one day, two day, three days a week, how many days of that is too much? How many days of that would constitute suffering? And how much wouldn't we often think that our dogs need a certain sort of minimum, and that they need that, and without it that constitutes suffering.

00;03;29;00 - 00;03;48;12
Kajsa van Overbeek
So if you've been used to giving your dog a one hour walk in the morning and one hour walk in the evening every day, and then all of a sudden you are no longer able to provide that for them, your mind will go to not having to one hour walks a day. Is my dog suffering? But are they really?

00;03;48;12 - 00;04;12;21
Kajsa van Overbeek
Do they need the one hour walks? Do they really suffer if they get to 30 minutes walks or one hour walk and they just get to go into the garden? If you have one in the evening? And this reminds me that a lot of this stuff that we have in our our heads that we need to provide for her dog really lives in our heads.

00;04;12;23 - 00;04;36;05
Kajsa van Overbeek
So you often find out that that is the case by accident rate. So if your idea is my dog has to have a one hour walk in at the beginning of each day, or otherwise they're just going to be unbearable. And you, I don't know, break a leg or I have a broken foot like I did. And then you have to rely on your kids to walk the dog before school.

00;04;36;05 - 00;05;01;25
Kajsa van Overbeek
So the morning walk gets shortened to 30 minutes, and you find out that your dog is just fine, that he comes back from the walk, plops onto the sofa and goes back to sleep and is super happy. Only then do you realize that this whole they need the one hour walk thought was in your head, or and this was this is like something from personal experience.

00;05;01;25 - 00;05;21;01
Kajsa van Overbeek
You know, when when they're a puppy and you're worried about potty training and all of that, and, you know, you have to take them out in the middle of the night as well because they're too young and they can't hold it for the entire night yet. So, you know, they need to be let out, you know, like 4 a.m. at least once because, you know, otherwise it's just too much time.

00;05;21;01 - 00;05;45;09
Kajsa van Overbeek
So you wake up preemptively every night at 4 a.m. to make sure that they get to go out. Until that one time that you're so tired and you forget to set the alarm, you wake up at 7 a.m. and it turns out everything's fine. And you have just figured out that, okay, they can sleep through the night. You realize that a lot of this stuff is in your head.

00;05;45;12 - 00;06;12;27
Kajsa van Overbeek
So there's that part. Are they really suffering as a result of your choices, or is this something that you're making up in your mind? And then secondly, let's say you make the choice to give them the one hour walk even though you feel miserable or you work with them in the evening, even though what you really need is to go to bed early.

00;06;12;29 - 00;06;39;22
Kajsa van Overbeek
If you make the choice to not let them. Between Air Force suffer in the short term, then how will that affect you and your dog and your relationship in the long run? Are you going to burn out and not be able to be there for your dog at all? Or are you going to lose your job because you chose to spend the time on your dog, and not on the project that you were working on, after which you're no longer even able to pay for your dog's care?

00;06;39;25 - 00;07;16;10
Kajsa van Overbeek
Is this choice to again between air quotes, not let them suffer, creating a result that is going to be unsustainable in the future. And when I put it like this, you can probably rationalize all of this, right? You can see that, you know, if I'm sick, it's probably important that I try to get well soon instead of keep on going, going, going like the frickin Energizer bunny, because it is going to slow down the healing process logically, rationally.

00;07;16;10 - 00;07;38;15
Kajsa van Overbeek
We know all of that. And the same thing applies to the relationship that we have with our dog. You know that if you're burning the candle on both ends, that what you actually need is some you time. So how come that it's so difficult for us to do so? How come that we still go like no, nobody else should suffer.

00;07;38;17 - 00;08;23;17
Kajsa van Overbeek
We have to sort of cross our our own boundaries. We have to go beyond what we know is good and well and right for us. Why is it so hard to say no? I come first right now I need to put myself first. And I think a lot of what's behind that is socialization, and not just if you've been socialized as a woman, if you've been socializes and men as well, but if you've been socialized as a woman, you will have gotten a lot of messages that it is up to you to keep all the balls in the air, that it is up to you to be, responsible for everybody else's well-being.

00;08;23;20 - 00;08;49;27
Kajsa van Overbeek
And if you've been socialized as a man, you probably have received a lot of messages around the idea of being the rock in the family, having to be strong for everybody else. And that socialization is so powerful. It's not just going to let go. So what can we do about it? Right. That's then the question how can we learn to put ourselves first a little bit and even write?

00;08;49;27 - 00;09;11;23
Kajsa van Overbeek
What does it mean to put ourselves first? But how can we learn to listen to our body a little bit better? And how can we be okay with I'm just going to say, letting our dog suffer, but we've already seen it's probably not letting our dogs suffer. How can we be okay in doing that? So for me, firstly, awareness is always important I guess, hence this podcast episode.

00;09;11;23 - 00;09;35;12
Kajsa van Overbeek
So it's important to be aware of the fact that you're making a lot of stuff up in your mind about how your dog's suffering. It's important to know that socialization plays an important part, and that it is so strong that most of us have a difficult time getting rid of it. That's part one awareness, because when you have that awareness, what you can then do is start to question your beliefs.

00;09;35;14 - 00;10;04;17
Kajsa van Overbeek
You can say, all right, this is my brain telling me that my dog is suffering, but is my dog really suffering? One of the questions that I love to ask then is how is the opposite true? How is my dog not actually suffering? For example, right? Rusty loves his morning walk, but he actually prefers it a little bit later and not as early as I thought.

00;10;04;20 - 00;10;28;09
Kajsa van Overbeek
So some of my thoughts of like when I sleep in because I'm tired and I don't get up at 7 or 8 to walk him in the morning. He's going to suffer that thought really wasn't true. And how did I find out? By accident? Because one of those days I overslept and rusty was so much happier on his walk.

00;10;28;12 - 00;10;54;14
Kajsa van Overbeek
And then I realized, sleeping in kind of dog, I can really, now that I'm paying attention to it, see a difference between me walking him at 7 a.m., which also happens on days that I have to leave earlier. I have to go somewhere. And me walking him at, let's say, nine, 930, it's almost like, you know, like he's got, I don't know what the word is.

00;10;54;17 - 00;11;15;29
Kajsa van Overbeek
He's just grumpier. So I guess it's like he's grumpy in the morning. And all of the time my brain was telling me, now you got to walk him early. It's not good. If he if he hasn't had his morning walk early in the morning, it was my brain telling me that. So how is the opposite true? And how can I find out?

00;11;16;04 - 00;11;52;00
Kajsa van Overbeek
You know, what's the easiest, simplest way for me to test this? Let me test this. But again, in order to know what you're testing or what you're wanting to test, you have to be aware of your thinking. You have to be aware of where you are telling yourself that your dog is suffering. So just, you know, like do sort of do a brain audit, listen to your talk this to yourself, talk to yourself and figure out where you're telling yourself that your dog is suffering or where you're telling your self that your dog needs a certain specific thing in a certain specific way.

00;11;52;07 - 00;12;23;21
Kajsa van Overbeek
And ask yourself, is this really true? And how can I find out if maybe something else could be true as well? And then here's something more practical. Let's say that you come home, and what you really wanted to do was, for example, walk your dog, but you're too tired and you know that your dog still needs something. Question that thought, no, but let's get very practical, and let's assume that your dog's needs have not been met and that you really want to find a way to do so.

00;12;23;24 - 00;12;57;05
Kajsa van Overbeek
Simply ask yourself, what's the easiest way? What's the simplest thing that I could do to satisfy my dog's needs at least a little bit, given the energy levels that I have now? What's the smallest thing? What's the easiest thing? What's the thing that I can still get done? And sometimes, just to give you a very practical example, sometimes for me it's just to sit on the couch with a bunch of treats and then do a little bit of trick training with my dog.

00;12;57;08 - 00;13;17;07
Kajsa van Overbeek
Tell him. And I think most people call them twists and twirls, like right spins and left spins and ask him for a sit and a down, and I'll just throw a treat really far so that he has to go and walk to get it a couple of times so that we have some interaction. And it's something that I can very easily do.

00;13;17;10 - 00;13;47;20
Kajsa van Overbeek
Build up a little bit of a library for yourself of things to do when my energy levels are low. Okay. And I guess there are still two things that I would put under the preventive care umbrella. And one of them is to start building up a network of people who you can ask for help. So, you know, if you've been thinking of this, let this be sort of your cue to go after it a little bit more.

00;13;47;22 - 00;14;20;08
Kajsa van Overbeek
And I know that this is a difficult one because, again, socialization and conditioning, we should be able to do everything ourselves without asking for help. Asking for help is weak. Asking for help is burdening other people. But what I want you to consider is how you feel when you know you can do something for someone else, or how you feel when you realize that somebody is having a difficult time and there was really something that's absolutely no bother to you at all that you could have done for them.

00;14;20;11 - 00;14;40;23
Kajsa van Overbeek
If only you had known. How many people do you know that would love to walk your dog for you? Because they just want a little bit of that fresh air? And now I know that if you're listening to this podcast, that your dog's probably a little bit more difficult. So you might not entrust everyone to walk your dog.

00;14;40;26 - 00;15;05;03
Kajsa van Overbeek
They need you need to sort of give them a manual, maybe do some test walks with them. But the thing is, if you start doing that now, if you start looking for people now, if you start doing those test walks now, then the next time that something comes up or that you're feeling a little bit burnt out, or you're tired or sick or have this project going on at work, you have that network.

00;15;05;05 - 00;15;34;10
Kajsa van Overbeek
I can guarantee you that if you don't start on it now, the next time for sure you won't have that network and you won't have those people. The other thing that's under the preventive care umbrella, so to say, is when you embark on new things with your dog or on a new routine, and you start sort of baking things into your daily life, ask yourself a simple question of, is this sustainable?

00;15;34;13 - 00;15;58;13
Kajsa van Overbeek
Can I keep doing this in the long run without wearing myself down? And then maybe the answer is yes. Then I would say, yeah, go for it. Maybe the answer is no. In that case, think twice. And maybe the answer is something along the lines of yes for now, but just take a second to investigate. Take a second to or to pause.

00;15;58;16 - 00;16;20;13
Kajsa van Overbeek
Be a little bit mindful of when you start changing things up and go like, okay, yeah, I see how this could become a problem in the future, or I see how I can keep doing this in the future or I see how this is actually great to be doing in the future, but just pause for a second and just be aware of what you're doing.

00;16;20;13 - 00;16;46;08
Kajsa van Overbeek
I guess we're back to, awareness now, if your brain is going, hey, I know all of these things, and I've thought of doing that forever. For example, when it comes to building up a network of people that can help you and you kind of go, but I never follow through, then contact me, okay, about coaching, because that's the stuff that I help people with on a daily basis.

00;16;46;08 - 00;17;18;29
Kajsa van Overbeek
That's where salt work comes in, because thought work applies both to, you know, figuring out when you're telling yourself the story of is my dog is suffering. And then questioning in that and figuring out is my dog really suffering? How do I feel about that? Where is all of that coming from? That same type of investigating your thoughts also applies to you following through on promises that you make to yourself, or you doing the stuff that you want to do, but then giving up on it.

00;17;18;29 - 00;17;50;28
Kajsa van Overbeek
For example, the the same mechanisms that you need to, I want to say break the habit of putting yourself last all the time are also the mechanisms that you need to start going after the things that you do want and following through on them. Okay, the other thing is, if you're going through a rough time because your circumstances just recently changed and you're trying to find that new equilibrium with your dog and your family.

00;17;50;28 - 00;18;22;15
Kajsa van Overbeek
So maybe it's you have a new job, or you lost your job, or you have an illness, or your dog has an illness, or you've just gone through a rough divorce or any of those things that, you know, most of us would agree on are pretty crappy. Then there to thought were can be really helpful in the sense that it helps making a time that's already not great, not be worse than it already is.

00;18;22;17 - 00;18;41;19
Kajsa van Overbeek
I just think thought work and coaching can be so powerful there that I just want to put it out there at the end of this episode and tell you that you're not alone. That help is available now and again. Asking for help is okay. If you don't want to do it because of conditioning, know then that that's conditioning.

00;18;41;19 - 00;19;05;19
Kajsa van Overbeek
There is your awareness again. All right. That's what I have for you today. I might come up with another mindset episode based on that Dutch language interview that I did with Barbara, because there was tons of good stuff, but this is what my brain came up with for now. I hope it was helpful and listen next time or hear you next time.

00;19;05;19 - 00;19;15;29
Kajsa van Overbeek
Like what do we say at the end of this episode? Probably hear you next time. Something like that. Have a great week! Bye.

00;19;16;01 - 00;19;50;27
Kajsa van Overbeek
You can find the show notes to this episode and everything coaching on my website. Kaiser from over paycom. Or you can go find us on Instagram at the Russ catalog, or maybe even Facebook myself, and over bake coaching. If you like listening to this podcast, might I ask you for a review on whichever platform you're listening to the podcast too, because it helps us move up in the rating, which helps us be found more easily so that more people can listen to this, more people can benefit from it, more people can feel, as I always say, less alone in where they stand with their dogs.