Ruff Around The Edges
Ruff Around The Edges
Mindset Episode 025 | Listening to Your No to Find Your Yes: How to Heed Your Gut to Find That No
In this episode of Ruff Around the Edges, I explore the power of starting with a "no" to gain clarity on what we truly want. By identifying what we're not willing or able to do, we make it easier to figure out where we want to go — whether it’s choosing how to manage our dog’s behavior or making parenting decisions.
I also dive into the importance of listening to your body’s signals to understand when something is a genuine no, and when it’s simply fear trying to hold you back. I give some questions you can ask yourself to differentiate between discomfort that’s protective and discomfort that signals growth, so you can feel more confident you're doing the right thing.
If you often find yourself struggling with the fear of disappointing others or second-guessing your choices, this episode will help you shift your perspective. I propose practical ways to honor your own needs while still being mindful of the people (and dogs!) you care about.
Episode Website:
https://kajsavanoverbeek.com/mindset-episode-025-listening-to-your-no-to-find-your-yes-how-to-heed-your-gut-to-find-that-no/
If you're wondering how to feel less stressed about your career, your dog, your family or all of the above, there are things you can do!
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Welcome to the Mindset Podcast for guardians of Dogs who are just a little rough around the edges. I'm your host, Kajsa van Overbeek. A life coach dedicated to making a life with your challenging dog feel less challenging, both by sharing stories of other people's similar experiences, and by showing you how you can harness the power of your brain to make it work for you instead of against you. Welcome to Another Mindset episode of Ruff Around the Edges. And today I thought I would talk a little bit about the things that we don't really want to do, or that we really don't want to do, or the things that we can’t do. Often we're focused on figuring out what it is that we want, right? We try to think in positives, which is great, and something that I often recommend, but sometimes it can also be really helpful to start from the point of what don't we want or what can't we do? Basically, to start from our hard no's or even just soft no's. If the choice is between cake, a sweet, bread and potato chips and you know that you're not in a mood for sweet, now you've whittled your choice down to two. It's either potato chips or bread. Makes it so much easier because you know that your no was for cake and sweets. Same thing with if you're not willing to put up a playpen for your dog as a form of management, because whatever reason and you know that that's not it, then what can you do? Are you going to work with a tether, or can you put your dog up in another room? Barricade the hallway with vacuum cleaner that you're sure that they're not going to be willing to pass? If you're clear on your no, then it's easier to figure out what the yes is. I was reminded of that the other day when I was thinking back to our house. I was looking around the living room, and I saw where we had placed the kitchen and where we'd placed the dining table. And originally we thought that that was going to be the other way around. But when we started working on the plans, we realized, nope, the kitchen can really feasibly only go in one place. It was like, well, if the kitchen can't go there, it has to go there. And if that has to go there, then that means the dining table has to go there, and that means that the sofa has to go there. Layout done. No more breaking our heads over it. So much easier. So knowing what we couldn't do or where we couldn't put one thing made it easier to figure out the rest. Now, when it comes to the layout for a house that seems to be well, it doesn't have to be actually, but it seems to be a little less emotional then when it comes to dealing with your dog or with your kids and saying no to certain things when it comes to caring for them. Although, to be honest, I was a little bit sad that with the layout that we have that there was no way I could fit in a fireplace, which is something I've wanted all my life, and nowhere that I've ever lived has had a fireplace up to now. So that's still, you know, hashtag dreams. So there was a bit of sadness when it came to that, but it didn't affect me as much as when I'm saying no to things when it comes to my kids, or when it comes to my dog. And that's the other thing that I want to address, because what makes it so hard to say no and to act on your no is the feelings that come with it. So one example that might be recognizable to you or might not be, if you have kids. When my kids were little, I was working, so I had limited time in the mornings and the kids needed lunch at school. I don't know how the system works where you live, but here, basically the Netherlands is infamous for it. You give your kids a couple of sandwiches and a lunchbox. They get milk at school and you give them a water bottle or whatever it is with water, and then that's sort of their lunch. Now, there were always mums and dads who were preparing the lunch boxes for the kids, doing an amazing job cutting the fruit into cute little figures and putting sweet little notes in the lunch boxes and whatnot. And I was counting on. I don't have the time for that. Or at least I don't want to make the time for that. I don't want to get up at 5 a.m. to do some kind of fancy lunchbox for my kids. That's just a no. Plus, a lot of the time, if I'm going to try and decide what's going to go on to their sandwiches for lunch. That's probably not even what they want. And then I know it's going to end up in the waste or in the trash or whatnot, because I'm not there to see it. Of course, I hope that they're going to eat it anyway, but what do I know? Or maybe it's going to come back home because they didn't feel like eating it. And so what we ended up doing was I ended up letting them make their lunch for themselves really early on, when they were still very, very young. That way they could decide what they get for 1%, which is what they were feeling like that day. If they wanted an apple or take a piece of fruit, they could take that. But it wasn't going to be, you know, cut into star shapes or stuff like that. They were just going to have to take it them selves. And I felt guilty about that. I knew it was a no for me, but I still felt guilty, and especially if you were. This was when Instagram was starting to become big, and you saw all those social media posts about parents who were decorating the bananas in the cutest ways. Like every day, the banana had a different theme. It was a different character painted or drawn onto the banana peel and whatnot. And I was like, okay, that's really cute. And I do think kids appreciate that. And I do think that it's something that they can look forward to, but it's just not me. It's just that's it isn't. Even though maybe I but I would like it too. But that's not me. So for me, that was the no. And the consequence was okay, they make their own lunchboxes. What I did do then of course, was inquire with them when I was going to do the grocery shopping, say, hey, what do you feel like putting on your sandwiches? This week was what I had last week. Was that something that you liked? Would you prefer something else this week? So it opened up that conversation. But the hard part was the guilt, because I wanted to be the great mum. And was I now because the great moms were the ones that were doing like the banana decorating and all of that stuff. So here are the things that I did, or maybe the steps that I took. One is what's the guilt trying to tell me? The guilt is trying to tell me that I care about being a great mom or being good mom, at least at minimum to my kids. Which then led me to allow to ask myself the question of okay, what? What makes a good mom? How am I being a good mom? And so one of the things that I did give them by letting them make their own lunches is I gave them a choice, baby. I gave them responsibility. I taught them how to take care of their own stuff, which is or are things that I guess in my book, a good mom would do. So rather than telling myself the story of you suck as a mom because you don't make the lunchboxes, which is probably going to affect the relationship that I have with my kids in the long run. Because if I start thinking of myself that way, then I start showing up that way. Rather than doing that, I just figure it out all the ways in which this was helping them. And I figured out, you know, how can I be a good mom, given that this is the situation, given the this is the amount of time that I want to spend on this. Funnily enough, I just, I don't even know where. Maybe I saw it on a documentary. Maybe I read it somewhere. I read about, the puppies that they select to become service dogs. So they followed the puppies for a while. I don't know how scientific this is, so don't put me down on this, right? I don't have the scientific article to back this up, so this is hearsay. But I thought it was interesting and I thought that it could be true. So I'm just going to share with you, so they were looking at puppies of service dogs and the puppies that tended to make it, and dog moms, the real dog mom, not the human that were more hands off with them. So they let them figure more stuff out rather than, I guess, being helicopter dog moms. So yeah, that's what I went with, right? I'm giving them their independence. It's about changing the story, figuring out what's conditioning, and there's a lot of conditioning around what it's like to be a good parent. Who knows, maybe in a couple of years, you know, making fancy lunch lunchboxes for your kids is frowned upon and is considered over parenting. Who knows? But it's about figuring out what your emotions are trying to tell you, what is important to you, and what is feasible for you within the framework that you are working with. So for me, it was important to be a good mom and to not be in the kitchen for an hour before going to work and have to get up at 5 a.m. to get everything ready. So within that framework of not wanting to get up too early, how could I be the best mom possible? That was the question that I was asking myself. The no, I was saying was to elaborate lunchboxes and getting up early. The no can also be no to a certain amount of money. Maybe it's I'm not willing to spend more than $100 on a basket or a pillow for my dogs, and that then narrows down the options. You might still feel guilty. You might still think, oh, I should be able to spend more money on my dog. That's fine. Just listen to the guilt. Realize that all it's telling you is that you want to be a good dog guardian and then go, how can I be the best dog guardian within this present framework? Within not wanting to spend or not being able to spend more than X amount on this particular item for my dog. Now, sometimes the know comes very easily and sometimes it's a little harder to recognize, especially because a lot of us have been socialized to always cater to the needs of others first, and to overrule what it is that we feel. So we may be super out of touch with our body, and we might not even recognize when something is a no for us. But I'm already hinting at it. It's your body. Your body will tell you. Trust your gut. Your body will tell you if it's really and know you will feel it. How can you tell though, if it's your body telling you that it's a no? If that uncomfortable feeling in your gut, in my case, usually really in my abdominal region, is the body saying, no, don't do this or that. It's the body saying, we kind of want to do this, but we're scared of it, and really it's going to be a lot of work. And we see all these ways in which we can fail. So I'm just making you feel uncomfortable to prevent you from possibly failing at it. That's a different kind of gut feeling rate. And what's important is to learn to differentiate between the two. And in order to do that, you have to really get in touch with your feelings, because you will learn to identify between what it feels like to be an know and what it feels like to be scared of going after something big, or scared of going after something that you want, but that you're afraid of failing at. So up until that point, and even sometimes when you are very in touch with your feelings, it can be very hard. A question that I like to ask that can help you figure that out is because what we're usually afraid of is the judgment of others, and in the end, the judgment of ourselves. So the question is, if no one thought less of me for not doing this, including myself, do I want to say no to this thing, or do I want to do it anyway? That's it. And remember that the answer can also be no. For now. We don't always have to think in terms of absolutes. It can also be no, but not all the time. No. For example, when it comes to the whole lunchbox thing and cutting fruit up and cute little figurines or decorating bananas, your answer could be no, that's not what I want to do. But maybe every now and then I will. And then what can be helpful is to ask yourself another question, which could be what's the simplest way then, in that case, that I want to do it? Or what's one easy thing that I can implement that sort of hints or goes into the direction that I want to. So maybe what you like about the whole lunchbox thing is that your kid is going to feel special when they open it. Well, what's the simplest way to make the kid feel special when they open it? Maybe you don't cut up all the fruit and cute little stars and SpongeBob's and whatever the rage is now Paw Patrol or whatever, but you put a little note in their lunchbox with a smiley face on it or something like that. What is a simple way that I can achieve that object? So remember, no, but it can be no for now. No. Not always. It can be all kinds of no's and sometimes the no is of a more practical nature. It can be just as hard because again, there's guilt involved. But let's say that you have a huge project at work and you realize that you will not really, in all fairness, be able to get more than a morning walk in with your dog because you're going to be super busy. In that case, just be honest with yourself that that's just what it is. You can't physically do more than that. And if your brain tells you that you should be able to do that, ask. It really? Is that true? And if you feel guilty again, ask what that guilt is trying to tell you. It's probably telling you something along the lines of I just want what's best for my dog. And if I can only do the morning walk, then that doesn't feel like that. I'm doing what's best for my dog. That type of thinking, though, is just not helpful because we've already established that you are not going to be able to do more than that morning walk. So telling yourself that you should be able to do more than that morning walk is just kind of productive. The guilt is telling you, though, that what you want is what's best for your dog. So the question I would ask then is give in this situation, given the framework that I'm working with, given the parameters, what is the best that I can do for my dog? Then much more helpful. Again, it allows you to just think in terms of solutions. Maybe the solution is hiring a sitter, or maybe the solution is throwing in some quick games while you're working and maybe just, you know, playing fetch inside the house for a little bit as you're typing and you just kind of mindlessly throw the ball back and forth with your dog. It's not ideal, but it's the best that you can do, given the situation much more helpful than just going and living. I should have land or I should be doing land doesn't doesn't work doesn't help because the fact is, practically speaking, you can't do more than that. In my case, for example, when I was working with my trainer on getting rusty to love my old son a little bit more after the whole electric fence incident that I think I've brought up couple of times on the podcast already, she asked me if we could involve him in a couple of the training sessions, or if I could get him to work with me a couple of times a week. And I told her, honestly, even though I love the idea, and I thought that that would probably be the best and fastest way forward, I told her it's not going to happen, maybe on weekends for a couple of minutes, but don't expect anything consistent. There. So that was a no. And it was a practical no. And it was something that I honestly told her, because when she knows that, it makes it easier for her to come up with an alternative plan as to what we can do as well, she'll be able to think, okay, that's not going to work. What else can we do now? Again, what's hard is the feelings that come with it because there are feelings right there. In my case, there were the feelings of how will I be perceived by the trainer. And there was some negative self-talk as well, kind of along the lines of, oh, but I should be able to get my son to see the importance of doing this for the benefit of both my dog and him, and I should be able to convey that message in and change him into becoming some kind of super. I want to work with this dog multiple hours a day type teenager again. Hey, wasn't going to happen. And that type of self-talk and the way I was feeling about it, though I was, wasn't helpful. So what I did there is I just basically changed my self-talk around it. I told myself that my trainer was going to love me for being honest, so that she could give me the exercises that could work, instead of her giving me exercises that I already knew that I wasn't going to be doing, or that I wasn't at least going to be doing in cooperation with my son. So I decided, and it truly is the decision that she was going to think I was being a good mom and a good dog guardian for acknowledging what my limits were, rather than not being a good one for not being able to get my kid on board or, not putting enough effort into training my dog or any of that. You get to choose how you address the situation and how you look at the situation. And again, if I'm thinking my trainer is going to appreciate my honesty, then the way I work with her and the way I tell her things is probably going to come across a lot nicer than if I go and be all, she's not going to like me, she's going to think I'm terrible and whatnot. The whole dynamic changes. And don't forget that your honesty or in this case for like for me, that my honesty. It also gives the trainer options, right? My trainer can say, you know what, then I can't help you and she can walk away, which probably not something you're going to feel great about, but it does again allow you to look for yeses. Then it allows you to look for okay, if that's not going to work, and if it's not going to work with this trainer, what are my other options? What can I look at? And finally, I want to say, because we're human, and even though everybody says that we shouldn't compare and despair, it is natural to compare ourselves to other people, that there are going to be other people who are going to look at your yeses as something that they think maybe they should do, but that's a no for them and vice versa. So if you're feeling bad about saying no to something because you think that should be a yes, imagine that someone else is out there feeling terrible, saying no to something that you're saying yes, do that for you isn't even something that you think about, because it comes so naturally and it's so easy, and you don't even see how great of a human and how great of a dog guardian you are doing that. So on your nose, on your yeses and trust your gut. And by the way, if figuring out what your yeses and what your nose are and trusting your gut is something that seems a little bit alien at the moment, if you're going, I don't even know what I'm feeling. I don't even know what's the no. And what's a yes? Then that's what coaching is for. That's where we give you the tools to get in touch with your body again, to figure out, truly, what is it that I want and not what somebody else want, or once, or what society is telling me. So if you want to figure that out, then I want to invite you to consider coaching with me. You can find all the details on the website. That's where you can schedule a free consult as well. I guarantee you I will be honest with you if I think coaching is not for you, or if I think that your quote unquote problem needs a dog trainer more than a coach, I will tell you that as well. But go to the website, go book a consult, or just email me to book a console that works as well. I'm like a real life person. I respond to emails. Maybe not the same day, but definitely within the week. So consider that it's an option. That's what I have for you today. You can find the show notes to this episode and everything coaching on my website kajsavanoverbeek.com. Or you can go find us on Instagram@theruscattledog, or maybe even Facebook Kajsa van Overbeek coaching. If you like listening to this podcast, might I ask you for a review on whichever platform you're listening to the podcast to, because it helps us move up in the ratings, which helps us be found more easily so that more people can listen to this more people can benefit from it, more people can feel, as I always say, less alone in where they stand with their dogs.